What if I Send?

Last spring I was optimistically laying siege to the hardest pitch I'd ever tried. For 4 months I entered the ring with an opponent who's reputation I knew, but had not yet experienced.

Southern Comfort is, by most accounts, a hard rock climb. By my account, it is a merciless pile of stone, glue, and bolts which first lures you with the promise of points and pride and self-fulfillment, but later traps you only to reveal your shortcomings, self-doubt, and dare I say self-pity. Let me explain.

By the end of last spring, I was falling at the 3rd to last move of SoCo consistently. Three redpoint goes each day on, and each time I fell at the 3rd to last move. I think I stuck this move from the ground twice that season, going on to fall at the last move. In hindsight, these attempts exemplified some of the best climbing I've ever done. I was in perfect form, well in tune with the route, but perhaps a little too optimistic. I was of the belief that "it's super wired, I'm falling at the top, any go now I'll just have that little extra and get lucky". Pity I can't have that fitness along with the knowledge I've gained in the last year.

Fast forward to this season. I've restarted the process on SoCo. I have drastically changed beta and tactics, and I feel much better about my approach. A couple of weeks ago, I began to think I was close. A very strict plateau ensued. I fell on the last move trying to link from the kneebar rest after the first boulder. And ever since then, I've continued to do so.

I'm a different climber this season. More experienced, but without a gym I am limited in the areas I can force progress. Due to a strict hangboard regime, I've gotten stronger fingers. Unfortunately, that's about it. The two glaring weaknesses are my CORE and my ability to recover, both rather critical for 50 ft of consistently steep climbing with strenuous rests.

My mental fortitude is much different than it was last season. Pessimistic? Realistic? I'm not sure what to call it, but it hasn't helped me with SoCo. A list of thoughts that cross my mind throughout each day:

• It's too hard, let it go.
• You've climbed harder, you should have done it.
• It's just another route. 
• Is this the hardest thing I've ever tried?
• Is trying to link from the kneebar even productive? 
• Should I just try from the ground?
• I'm never gonna do this.
• This is the hardest rock climb in the world.
• Is the right exit a cop out?
• Why can I do 48 moves but not 49?

I've wrapped up so much of myself in this climb. I trained specifically for it in the gym last season. I chose my rest days carefully so I would be at least one, if not two, days rested before redpoint attempts. I missed class. I rescheduled meetings. I swapped shifts. I changed my diet. I stopped drinking alcohol almost entirely. I tried cutting weight. I've changed shoes, ropes, chalk. I've tried switching the order I shake my hands before the last crux.

I've introduced myself to climbers and non-climbers as someone who dedicates their time to this route, Southern Comfort. I've motivated friends and others to come try the route. I've shared beta. I've witnessed sends. I've belayed sends. I've seen bolts get moved. Draws get added. New features get chalked. Heard wobblers. Thrown wobblers. 

I've gone over beta infinite times - at work, at dinner, in bed, in the shower, on the toilet. I've experienced huge personal successes since beginning this project, only to feel inadequate because I'd left this route undone. 

After a particularly disappointing session recently, a thought occurred - what if I send? 

What would that mean? How does everything I just explained factor into the 8 minutes or whatever it would take for me to send? Am I even prepared for that? 

I wonder what would be left of my identity. This route is not the best route I've climbed on. But it means more than any other climb in my life. Would the happiness of sending be proportional to the anguish I've experienced?

This sounds incredibly dramatic. Let's remember, Southern Comfort is, by most accounts, a hard rock climb. Nothing more. 

But to me, it is. 

So what if I send?

Well, I think in hindsight it will always be a significant ascent. However, I think that what this route means to me now is the most it will ever mean to me. If I send, I move on. Onto harder routes, bigger challenges, newer experiences. Perhaps I'll find a career. Perhaps I'll get drastically injured. Perhaps I'll fall in love. Any of these things would likely have a more significant impact on my life than these 49 moves. 

But just like sending, those are all "what if's". So for now, I will stick to what I have, and that is 49 moves to link, goddamnit.